The Foreign Within Me: Who Expects What?

“That’s just how it’s done.” “You don’t show that much need.” “You don’t burden others.”

Who is actually speaking here?

In the last two posts, I introduced the distinction between self-representations and other-representations. Today I want to go deeper into how we recognize when an other-representation is active, an inner image of how we experience the world and what we expect.

These images shape how we enter relationships before the other person has even done anything. And they can block access to our needs before we even feel them.

Other-representations are hard to see through because they feel like reality.

But uncomfortable feelings like fear, shame, or guilt don’t necessarily inform us about actual dangers in the world. They inform us about what we learned to consider dangerous.

That’s a significant difference. If I learned as a child that closeness comes with engulfment, then I may avoid closeness today even when my partner isn’t engulfing at all. My body reacts to the inner image, not to the person in front of me. The past comes alive in the present without me noticing.

How do I recognize when an other-representation is active?

~ “One does” sentences When I say “one does” instead of “I,” an internalized expectation is often speaking. “One isn’t that sensitive.” “One functions.” What sounds like a general truth is an inner image I’m reacting to.

~ Faces appear In work with chairs or other forms of externalization, it often happens that when a client engages with an inner expectation, a familiar face suddenly appears, for example a mother’s or father’s.

~ Relationships trigger inner material A partner expresses expectations and something inside me immediately reacts. A boss criticizes, something in me collapses. Often what triggers us on the outside corresponds to an inner image that has been there for a long time.

~ Projections I experience the other person as demanding, critical, dismissive, and only realize later that I projected my inner image onto them. Inner conflicts become outer ones without me noticing.

~ Body reactions before contact Before I even enter the room, something tenses up. Before I even ask, I already know the answer will be no. The body reacts to an image, not to reality.

Recognizing the foreign within me doesn’t mean getting rid of it. It means distinguishing it from reality.

Only then does the possibility arise to check: Does this image still hold true? Or is it standing between me and what I actually need?