Well-Meant but Not Helpful

The voice of a mother who said: “Stand by your word” may have been exactly what a child needed to develop orientation and self-respect. But that same voice can lead, twenty years later, to a leader holding on to a decision even though the situation has long changed. Reliability then becomes rigidity.

Even benevolent inner voices have a blind spot: they emerged in a specific context. And they don’t know when that context has changed.

The voice still sounds benevolent and feels right. That’s precisely why it’s so hard to question.

In professional settings, this often shows up during transitions, between teams, roles, industries, cultures:

~ An engineer moves to a startup. Her inner voice says: “Thoroughness pays off.” What made her successful for years becomes an obstacle in the new environment. There, what counts is speed, iteration, good-enough solutions. The voice means well, but it speaks from a world that is no longer the current one. It serves her need for security and self-respect while simultaneously inhibiting the pole of freedom.

~ A manager who was socialized in a culture where modesty was considered a virtue receives a mandate in an environment that rewards visibility and self-promotion. His inner voice says: “You don’t need to push yourself forward, just be who you are.” What once secured respect and belonging costs him influence and effectiveness in this context. And access to the need to show himself and be unique.

In these situations, the benevolent voice serves a particular pole, like security, belonging, or self-respect. But it does so in a way that, in the current context, closes off the opposite pole. Not because the need isn’t there, but because a well-meant voice occupies its place in this space.

The problem is not the voice itself. It was fitting once, and in certain environments still is. It was and remains a wise response to a particular world.

The problem often arises when we stop checking whether that world is still the one we live in.

Benevolent voices deserve gratitude and inquiry. Not to get rid of them, but to sense which needs they make room for, which they don’t, and whether I want to expand my range of choice. Perhaps I want to engage with a new context and allow new voices in. Perhaps I seek out environments that match my existing voices. Both have their place. What’s worth it is to sense who is doing the deciding right now.