Who’s Talking There?

When we talk about our desires, goals, or inhibitions, we often act as though there’s only one inner voice speaking. But in practice, we can understand our personality more as a collection of different personality parts. If that’s the case: who exactly “inside us” grants or denies access to a need?

In my work with clients, I usually distinguish between two kinds of inner patterns: self-representations and other-representations.

Self-representations are inner images of how we experience ourselves. They are not static but reflect what we are currently experiencing and expressing about ourselves, through perceiving, feeling, wanting, thinking, doing.

“I’m someone who’s cautious.” “I’m not that needy.” “I hold myself back.”

These patterns often emerged as wise responses to difficult situations.

Other-representations are inner images of how we experience other people and the world around us, and what we expect from them.

“If I wish for closeness, I’ll be engulfed.” “If I show myself, I’ll be rejected.” “Others are not reliable.”

These expectations shape how we enter relationships, often before the other person has even responded.

Both work together. So when an impaired need becomes active, a self-representation often speaks up, for example: “Don’t be so needy.”

Alongside it comes an other-representation, for example: “You’ll be disappointed anyway.” Together, they keep the need in check.

What makes this tricky is that both are inner images, shaped from experiences that are part of us. “That’s just who I am” and “That’s how it will be” feel equally true. But one refers to me, the other to the world.

In the workplace: ~ A leader hesitates to accept support. Something inside says: “I can handle this on my own” (SR), and at the same time: “Whoever needs help will be seen as weak” (OR).

In relationships: ~ A partner doesn’t voice any wishes. “I’m just not very demanding” (SR). And alongside it: “If I want too much, I’ll be left” (OR).

The question “Who’s actually speaking here?” opens the space for differentiation. Between how I experience myself and what I expect from others. Between inner image and outer reality.

And only when I hear who is speaking can I ask: Does this image still hold true, or was it once a solution that now stands in the way?

Two questions for reflection: ~ What sentences about myself come up when a need makes itself felt? ~ And what do I expect from others in that moment?